I couldn’t blurt out all the things I was curious about though. There was something about him I couldn’t define and I wanted to figure it out. He would shut down and find an excuse to leave if I asked for too many details about his life. I’d had to be steady in order to study him and not spook him. “Earth to Zan!”Īs for me, I was in control of myself for the first time in my life. I would snap my fingers in front of his face. He’d stopped having those awkward moments where his eyes traveled all over our surroundings as if he were looking at something beyond the walls or buildings. Since then, he’d grown to be less intense. He’d seemed hyperaware, nervous, on the day we went to the tree, but his gestures and speech had been relaxed and confident. Maybe he had changed too since the day we’d met. He hadn’t acted like he wanted anything but a friend that first day, but still, his eyes had been intent on me. I’d thought he was checking me out, but it was mostly my facial features and hair he was staring at. The way Zander had looked at me when we met…well, shit. My emotions, my actions were out of my control and nothing changed because I didn’t know how to change myself. I knew if I could do that, I might be able to hang out with better people. Think first, talk second-that’s what everyone told me. I’d always thought I would grow up and get my shit together so nicely that I’d stop doing that mortifying stuff. Since I was little, I’ve had no filter and said whatever stupid, awkward nonsense I was thinking.
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